Key Takeaways
- Couples often have different money styles
- Your job is to help them communicate, not take sides
- Family money histories shape current behavior
When Two Become One (Financially)
"In every relationship, there's a spender and a saver. Your job is to help them understand each other."
Financial disagreements are the #1 predictor of divorce. When you work with couples, you're often stepping into decades of unresolved tension.
Common Couple Dynamics
| Pattern | What You'll See |
|---|---|
| Spender/Saver | One restricts, one splurges, both resent |
| Avoider/Worrier | One ignores money, other obsesses |
| Controller/Delegator | One handles everything, other has no visibility |
| Risk-taker/Risk-averse | Constant conflict about investments |
| Present/Future | One wants now, other sacrifices for tomorrow |
Questions That Reveal Dynamics
| Question | What It Reveals |
|---|---|
| "How did your family talk about money growing up?" | Money history and baggage |
| "What are your biggest financial disagreements?" | Core tensions |
| "How do you make financial decisions together?" | Power dynamics |
| "Is there anything about money you avoid discussing?" | Unresolved issues |
| "What does your partner not understand about your view of money?" | Unheard perspectives |
Rules for Working with Couples
| Do | Don't |
|---|---|
| Address both partners equally | Look only at one person |
| Validate both perspectives | Side with one partner |
| Reflect what you hear neutrally | Interpret or judge |
| Help them hear each other | Give marriage advice |
| Point out common ground | Focus only on conflict |
When One Partner Dominates
If one partner takes over:
- "I'd love to hear [quiet partner's] perspective on this."
- "[Quiet partner], what's your take?"
- "How do you feel about what [dominant partner] just said?"
If they can't both speak freely, consider:
- Meeting with each separately first
- Setting ground rules about equal airtime
- Acknowledging the power imbalance directly
The Saver and the Spender
A couple with conflicting money styles
Setup
You're meeting with a married couple. The husband is extremely frugal and anxious about money. The wife feels he's too restrictive and that they should enjoy their income more. Tension is high.
Client says:
“*Wife:* "Look, we make good money. I just want us to actually enjoy our lives. We haven't taken a vacation in three years because he thinks we need to save every penny." *Husband:* "That's not fair. My parents lost everything in 2008. I'm just trying to make sure we're secure. She doesn't understand how fast things can fall apart."”
Practice Objectives
- 1Do NOT take sides or say who is "right"
- 2Validate BOTH perspectives
- 3Get curious about the underlying fears and needs
- 4Help them hear each other (not through you)
- 5Find common ground they might not see
- 6Redirect to shared goals
The Silent Partner
A couple where one person clearly dominates
Setup
You're meeting with a couple, but one partner answers every question while the other stays quiet. You're not sure if the quiet partner agrees, is intimidated, or just doesn't care.
Client says:
“*Dominant partner:* "We want to be aggressive with our investments. We've got a 25-year horizon, we can handle the volatility. Right, honey?" *Quiet partner nods silently*”
Practice Objectives
- 1Gently bring the quiet partner into the conversation
- 2Create space for them to have a different opinion
- 3Assess whether the silence is agreement or suppression
- 4Don't embarrass either partner
- 5Normalize that partners sometimes have different views
Adult Children Involved
Elderly clients whose adult children want control
Setup
You're meeting with an elderly couple, and their adult daughter insists on being present. The daughter keeps answering questions for her parents and seems to be pushing them toward decisions.
Client says:
“*Daughter:* "My parents are getting older and I want to make sure their money is protected. They need to move their investments to something safer. They don't really understand all this, so I'll be helping make decisions." *Parents look uncomfortable but stay quiet*”
Practice Objectives
- 1Determine who the actual clients are
- 2Create space for the parents to express their own wishes
- 3Assess whether the daughter is helpful or controlling
- 4Navigate potential elder influence carefully
- 5Set boundaries about who makes decisions
- 6Don't alienate the daughter while protecting the parents
When working with a couple who disagree about money, you should: