3.1 Sentence Revision: Conciseness, Wordiness & Redundancy
Key Takeaways
- Revision skills account for approximately 40% of the CLEP College Composition multiple-choice section, with sentence-level conciseness representing a major testing focus.
- Wordiness can be systematically eliminated by replacing multi-word periphrastic idioms ('due to the fact that', 'at this point in time') with single, direct terms ('because', 'now').
- Tautologies and pleonasms pair redundant words where one term inherently encompasses the meaning of the other ('past history', 'revert back', 'consensus of opinion').
- Nominalization buries vigorous verbs inside bloated abstract nouns; revising 'conduct an investigation of' to 'investigate' restores grammatical energy and clarity.
- Empty expletives ('there is', 'there are', 'it is that') postpone the true semantic subject and predicate, creating sluggish, weak sentence openings.
Sentence Revision: Conciseness, Wordiness & Redundancy
Quick Summary: Revision skills make up approximately 40% of the multiple-choice section on the CLEP College Composition exam (roughly 20 out of 50 questions). Sentence-level revision questions consistently test your ability to diagnose and excise unnecessary words, eliminate duplicate meanings, dismantle sluggish nominalizations, and prune empty expletives without sacrificing semantic nuances.
Effective collegiate prose is economical, energetic, and exact. In first-year composition, padding is not merely an aesthetic blemish; it obscures the writer's thesis and weakens the logical momentum of the argument. On the CLEP exam, the most concise, direct answer that preserves grammatical correctness and precise meaning is almost always the correct revision.
1. Eliminating Wordiness: Replacing Bloated Phrases
Wordiness frequently occurs when an author relies on periphrasis—using a roundabout cluster of prepositions, nouns, and weak verbs where a single, decisive word suffices. Many novice writers mistakenly believe that inflated phrases make an essay sound more "academic" or authoritative. On the CLEP, examiners explicitly penalize such padding.
Consider the common periphrastic traps encountered on the test:
| Bloated Periphrastic Phrase | Concise Single-Word Replacement | Flawed Draft Sentence | Polished CLEP Revision |
|---|---|---|---|
| due to the fact that | because, since | The hypothesis failed due to the fact that the sample was tainted. | The hypothesis failed because the sample was tainted. |
| at this point in time | now, currently | At this point in time, the university cannot expand enrollment. | The university cannot currently expand enrollment. |
| in the event that | if | In the event that the temperature drops, cover the crops. | If the temperature drops, cover the crops. |
| for the purpose of | to, for | The team gathered for the purpose of analyzing the survey data. | The team gathered to analyze the survey data. |
| in order to | to | In order to secure a fellowship, she submitted two essays. | To secure a fellowship, she submitted two essays. |
| by virtue of the fact that | because | He won the dispute by virtue of the fact that he cited precedence. | He won the dispute because he cited precedence. |
| until such time as | until | Withhold medication until such time as blood pressure stabilizes. | Withhold medication until blood pressure stabilizes. |
| in spite of the fact that | although, even though | In spite of the fact that funds were scarce, the lab opened. | Although funds were scarce, the lab opened. |
| with regard to / concerning | about, regarding | Discussion with regard to the curriculum took several hours. | Discussion about the curriculum took several hours. |
The "In Order To" Test
In nearly every context on the CLEP exam, the phrase in order to can be pared down to the single preposition to with zero loss of clarity or grammatical force. When you encounter in order to in a multiple-choice question, scan the options for a revision that begins directly with an infinitive verb (to verify, to establish, to evaluate).
2. Tautology and Pleonasm: Double Redundancies
Pleonasm is the use of more words than necessary to convey an idea, while tautology is the needless repetition of the same meaning in different words within the same phrase. Redundancies creep into speech because speakers use paired words for rhythmic cadence or false emphasis. On the written page, however, redundant modifiers insult the reader's intelligence and clutter the syntax.
Classic Redundant Pairings on the CLEP:
- "Unexpected surprise" — A surprise is, by definition, unexpected. Revision: "surprise".
- "Past history" / "Past memories" — History and memories inevitably deal with the past. Revision: "history" or "memories".
- "Completely eliminate" / "Totally eradicated" — Elimination and eradication are absolute conditions; one cannot partially eliminate or partially eradicate something in standard collegiate usage. Revision: "eliminate" or "eradicate".
- "Revert back" / "Retreat backward" — The Latin prefix re- signifies "back" or "again." Pairing revert with back is an error of pleonasm. Revision: "revert" or "retreat".
- "Close proximity" — Proximity derives from proximus (nearest). The adjective close adds no new information. Revision: "proximity" or "nearness".
- "Consensus of opinion" — A consensus is a collective agreement of opinion among a group. Writing consensus of opinion or general consensus is tautological. Revision: "consensus".
- "Period of time" / "Span of time" — A period or span is an interval of time. Revision: "period" or "time".
- "True fact" — If an assertion is a fact, it is inherently verifiable and true. False assertions are falsehoods or fabrications. Revision: "fact".
- "End result" / "Final outcome" — Results and outcomes arrive at the conclusion of a process. Revision: "result" or "outcome".
- "Future plans" — Plans inherently address prospective actions. Revision: "plans".
3. Nominalization: Reclaiming Smothered Verbs
Nominalization occurs when a writer converts an energetic verb or adjective into an abstract noun, usually by adding suffixes such as -tion, -ment, -ance, -ence, or -ity. When a verb is converted into a noun, the grammatical sentence loses its engine. The writer is then forced to introduce weak, empty linking verbs—such as conduct, make, give, bring about, reach, or provide—to hold the predicate together.
In collegiate composition, nominalized constructions are frequently termed smothered verbs because the true semantic action is choked inside an abstract noun phrase.
WEAK (Nominalized): The committee made a decision to conduct an investigation of the finances.
│ ▲ │ ▲
[weak verb] [smothered noun] [weak verb] [smothered noun]
STRONG (Active Verb): The committee decided to investigate the finances.
▲ ▲
[active verb] [active verb]
Common Nominalizations and Their Direct Verb Counterparts:
- make a decision $\rightarrow$ decide
- conduct an investigation of $\rightarrow$ investigate
- give consideration to $\rightarrow$ consider
- reach an agreement $\rightarrow$ agree
- provide an explanation for $\rightarrow$ explain
- bring about an improvement in $\rightarrow$ improve
- serve as an illustration of $\rightarrow$ illustrate
- carry out an assessment of $\rightarrow$ assess
- offer a recommendation that $\rightarrow$ recommend
Restoring smothered verbs accomplishes three vital goals simultaneously: it reduces word count, eliminates passive construction, and places the grammatical actor directly beside the action.
4. Empty Expletive Constructions ("There is", "There are", "It is that")
In grammatical terms, an expletive is an empty filler word that occupies the subject position without carrying any semantic weight. The most common expletive constructions begin with "There is," "There are," "There were," or "It is... that."
Expletive constructions push the real semantic subject into the predicate and force the sentence to rely on a limp form of the verb to be.
Analyzing the Expletive Delay:
- Expletive Flaw: There are many scientists who believe that ocean acidification threatens coral reefs.
- Here, the subject is the dummy pronoun there, the main verb is the flat linking verb are, and the real agents (scientists) are buried inside a relative clause (who believe...).
- Concise Revision: Many scientists believe that ocean acidification threatens coral reefs.
- The revision immediately places the agents (scientists) as the grammatical subject and pairs them with their primary cognitive action (believe), saving four words and accelerating syntactic pace.
When are Expletives Permissible?
Expletives are grammatically valid when an author genuinely needs to establish existence ("There is no alternative") or describe atmospheric phenomena ("It is snowing"). However, when expletives are used as stylistic scaffolding to introduce an analytical claim ("It is clear that the author intends to..."), they should be pruned to establish immediate rhetorical authority ("The author clearly intends to...").
5. Before-and-After Conciseness Transformations
Study this comparative analysis table to recognize how multiple conciseness defects interact in unedited drafts and how expert editors resolve them on the CLEP:
| Original Flawed Sentence | Core Stylistic Defects | Revised Tightened Sentence | Impact & Word Reduction |
|---|---|---|---|
| There were several members of the board who gave consideration to the proposal for the purpose of making an improvement in safety. | Expletive (there were), nominalizations (gave consideration, making an improvement), periphrasis (for the purpose of). | Several board members considered the proposal to improve safety. | Word count cut from 23 to 9 words (61% reduction); agents and verbs restored to primary positions. |
| In spite of the fact that the historic monument was in close proximity to the fault line, it did not revert back to ruin. | Periphrasis (in spite of the fact that), pleonasm (close proximity, revert back). | Although the historic monument was near the fault line, it did not revert to ruin. | Eliminated duplicate prepositions and redundant directional adverbs. |
| The final outcome of the election served as a demonstration that voters completely eliminated future tax increases. | Tautology (final outcome), nominalization (served as a demonstration), pleonasm (completely eliminated). | The election outcome demonstrated that voters rejected future tax increases. | Converted smothered noun to transitive verb; removed absolute modifier with non-gradable verb. |
| At this point in time, it is necessary that we conduct an analysis of the true facts surrounding the audit. | Wordy idiom (at this point in time), expletive frame (it is necessary that), nominalization (conduct an analysis), tautology (true facts). | We must now analyze the facts surrounding the audit. | Replaced dummy modal frame with auxiliary verb (must); trimmed bloated temporal phrase to now. |
Which of the following revisions best eliminates wordiness and redundancy from the sentence: 'Due to the fact that the committee could not reach a consensus of opinion, they made a decision to postpone the vote to a future date in time.'?
Which of the following sentences correctly eliminates nominalization and empty expletives to create the most concise and direct academic prose?
Identify the sentence that contains a pleonasm (redundant pairing of words with overlapping meanings).
Consider the following sentence: 'At this point in time, there are three primary factors that serve as an explanation for why the economic reform failed.' Which revision produces the most economical and energetic syntax?